In the Eye of the Beholder

So Big upheaval took place in our home the end of last month. This was not a completely new circumstance, but it showed up for us in a big way. A Big Sad way...

It was my husband's birthday and I had persuaded him to stay home from work. We had a wonderful morning together but then realized that the kids were getting out of school early that day. We quickly decided to go grab sandwiches at one of his favorite places, but only had time to chow down about half of them. We picked up the kids and then went to the pool for a while.

Recently my husband noticed that a new store opened up nearby and wanted to go check it out. Earlier that day I had promised to play a game with my oldest son after going swimming. I really wanted to go along to the store and spend more time with my husband, but rightfully chose to stay home. My oldest daughter volunteered to go to the store with him. I felt a bit nervous about that because my husband seemed a little bit “wrapped around her little finger” since she quite frequently seemed to get many things that she wanted or asked for. So I asked my hubby if he could "resist" her asking for things. He said yes and off they went.

I was home playing cards with my son and I got a text from my credit card company notifying me of a charge from Bath and Body Works, A STORE IN THE MALL! A store that carries the favorite soap of earlier mentioned daughter! The mall??? That was NOT the store they were going to. Then I get a text from Zupas! One of my very favorite places to go out to eat! Ok. From the exclamations you can probably tell that I was getting pretty upset. I am thinking, “Wait a minute. Why are they at the mall? He told me he could resist buying her things. Those soaps are more expensive than I usually spend on things like that, even for myself! ZUPAS??? That is my favorite and all I got was a hurried half of a sandwich earlier! What the heck?!?!” 

So as you can see, the story and chatter going through my head was NOT AT ALL positive. By this time I had even “forgotten” that it was HIS birthday and HIS special day. I even started hearing “You are dumb for even complaining. He already spent the entire morning and day with you. Can’t he spend time with and do things with your daughter? What's your problem? Are you Jealous?”  Because of this junk going through my head, I decided to try and fake that nothing was wrong. What I did not know is how badly it would actually hurt him that I was so cold and standoffish.

After they came home, I didn’t even talk to them about any of it. I just tried to fake like everything was fine and hold it in. I did not want to bother him with my “irrational” feelings. He could sense it and asked me if anything was the matter. I tried to disguise it by saying “No. Nothing is wrong.”  Unfortunately, he could not feel of my love or even that I cared about him at all because I was struggling to hold it ALL back in hopes that my anger/sadness would not “hurt” him. In actuality I ended up hurting him so badly that we pretty much did not even talk for the next four days!

He did not know what was going on besides the fact that he felt like NOTHING he ever did was right. He did not know how to make me happy because he often felt that I was very unhappy, at least with him. He felt that maybe someone else could do a better job than he could, cause it had been pretty much like this for our whole marriage. (sniff, sniff)

In our 4 days of silence, I had a lot of time to reflect and learn. I realized that even though I was not “saying” anything with my words and trying to act as if nothing was the matter, the messages were coming across loud and clear… “Why didn’t he do this? Why didn’t he do that? He doesn't care enough about me to pick up after himself. He hurt my feelings again.”  Basically: "You are a Failure." That seemed to be the underlying message that I was sending out to him. The biggest problem was that he had absolutely no idea WHY and I did not realize I was even doing it!

Because my beliefs about myself: “I wasn’t important enough to care about/Nobody really cared about my feelings anyway/My feelings, wishes, and wants are a burden,” ran so deeply, I was making that “story” come true! Due to my limiting beliefs I would often not even ask him to do things for me, in Fear that he wouldn’t do it and then I would feel let down. In this self-defeating behavior, I was not even giving him the chance to show that he cared and then spent my time feeling constantly disappointed because he didn’t do things for me. Seriously??? Just writing this down makes me go, “What?!?!” (The power of journaling right before your eyes!!)

NOW...DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REAL STORY? He and my daughter went to that store he saw and it was Closed.  HE wanted to go the mall since there were a lot of stores there and he should be able to find something he liked. My daughter even questioned it, but agreed. They stumbled upon a 70% off sale at Bath and Body Works, where he bought something for him, her, AND another daughter for on $13. They then decided they were hungry. She wanted to go to Café Rio and since his belly was upset, he only felt up to eating some soup. Hmmm…where has some good soup nearby? Zupas. So going there was his idea too!!!

What had I done??? He had NO ILL INTENT whatsoever. I was the one that had made up this terrible story that I was so hurt by, thinking “How could he? Why wouldn’t he know I would feel so bad? I can’t believe it!” Soooo... Was there a part I had to play in this? Although we had made up and I now knew the REAL story, for some reason I still felt insecure. I was still letting my mind run the old story/beliefs. As I expressed them again, his response shocked me. "Why do you keep telling me this story to explain why it is OK for you to treat me like this?" To my horror, I felt all the negative yucky emotions come rushing back. “Noooooooooooo….." I was NOT going to go through that again! Feeling that utter despair and powerlessness, I was not about to let that go in vain!

All of that stuff I had felt so worried about before suddenly felt like nothing, compared to the thought of not being with my husband and kids as a family. I also learned that I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE HOW I THINK, FEEL, AND PERCEIVE any situation. Although I could not change the memory of what happened, I Could Change feeling hurt into Understanding. I Could Change my belief about what happened into The Real Story. I did change my belief that “people don’t care enough” to People Do Care and sometimes they just “know not what they do.” As for my husband, my New and Improved Story is that “He loves me and would NEVER do anything to Intentionally hurt me.” I repeat this main statement in my mind over and over again whenever the lies and anything contrary try to sneak in. I needed to reprogram in the Truth that had not been running in there for so long.

Ever since that night when I changed the way I BEHELD the situation, my husband and I have a better relationship than we have ever had the whole time we have known each other. The mistrust and thoughts of ill intentions were Within Me long before he even came into the picture and I am grateful for that dire situation that helped me to Finally figure it out so change could happen. I am continuously seeking to learn and improve in every moment. I Prefer to do it on my own accord, but if those big bad times come along, I am going to diligently work towards learning the lessons really quickly!!!!

Here is a section from a talk that my dear friend shared with me while I was going through this. It helped me in profound ways:

Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love. (Richard G. Scott, “Trust in the Lord” Ensign October 1995)

I hope that something spoke to you related to your own relationships or might help someone you know Behold things in a better way. 

Love and Happiness...Erika